Donna and Jeff Sadowsky had two teen sons by birth and a 3 year old daughter adopted at 14 months from China.  The documentary starts pre-adoption when they have decided to adopt an eight year old Chinese girl, Fang Sui Yong, with a repaired club foot and unspecified disabilities to her arms (the Chinese doctors called her condition “dropped wrists”).  Fang Sui Yong was abandoned at age 4, and as is the case with many Chinese orphans with special needs, she was being raised in a foster home rather than an orphanage.

First, I should say that I am grateful to the Sadowskys for allowing this documentary to be made.  Apparently they thought about the decision to be involved for many months before agreeing.  I can understand their hesitancy.  Films, including documentaries, tell the story that the filmmaker wants to tell, which is always only part of the story, and may well not be the part that the subjects would want to tell.  Many many hours of film are recorded and the filmmaker cuts out most of it leaving only the parts that make their point.  It takes guts to allow your life to become the subject of someone else’s story, and I appreciate their bravery.

The focus of Wang-Breal’s documentary was on the transformation of Fang Sui Yong to Faith Sadowsky and the resultant losses and gains.  I think she did a masterful job portraying the difficulties of incorporating an older child into the family without a common language.  By the time a child is four or five, we mostly parent through language, and the child mostly interacts with their environment and parents through language.  Without a common language, we have to revert to an earlier way of parenting, and the child has to revert to a younger form of behavior.  It is awkward for both parent and child.  This film captured that awkwardness well.

The film also portrays well the tone deafness of the Chinese adoption workers when introducing Fang Sui Yong (now known as Faith) to Donna for the first time.  “Tell your momma you love her”?!?  Faith doesn’t even know this stranger, how can she love her?  Who does it benefit to have this rote phrase repeated as if the child is a trained animal?  Certainly not Faith and certainly not Donna.  “You are now Faith.  When your momma calls you Faith, you answer.”  “Here’s all your things from your foster home–doll and hair clips” said while shoving everything into a plastic bag.  There is likely no great way to pull a child away from everything she has ever known and thrust her into a new life and new identity, but clearly this wasn’t the best way.  Donna alone seemed to grasp that this meeting was traumatic to Faith and alone seemed to have empathy for her.

I was very impressed that Donna ignored the Chinese authority’s admonition to not contact the foster family.  Perhaps she didn’t know that she wasn’t supposed to contact them or perhaps she just ignored that advice.  She may well have felt a little threatened by Faith’s obvious love for her foster family, but she put Faith’s needs above her fears.  I wanted her to ask the foster parents more questions that would help her get to know Faith better in order to aid her transition to her new life.  Maybe this happened off camera.  I hope so.  (We have a list of questions to ask foster parents at our site.)  What clearly did happen was setting the stage for maintaining contact with this important part of Faith’s life, which is no small feat.

I am curious what type of preparation Donna and Jeff received about older child adoption and what type of support they received when they returned home.  From experience, I know that no amount of pre-adoption education can fully prepare you for the reality, but it can help you keep things in perspective by reminding you that the feelings both you and your child are having are normal.  It seems that the Sadowskys could have used this perspective.

I, as well as most viewers I’m sure, cringed at the scenes of Donna reviewing English flashcards over and over with Faith while still in China.  Faith quickly bores with repeating the names of strange foods (hamburger, salad, bagel).  Donna, no doubt feeling anxious about the lack of a common language and wanting to speed the process of being able to communicate, gets irritable.  I so wanted to take her aside and tell her that these early days together could be much better spent just enjoying and getting to know her daughter through shared experiences.  First, nouns are not taught best through flashcards.  The important nouns will be picked up quickly through living.  Within seconds a child will learn the word for ice cream or ball when shown the real thing.  Second, nouns are not what Faith and Donna will really need to communicate.  The important language of relationships can’t be learned through flashcards and can’t be learned quickly.  Better this time be spent enjoying each other, learning Faith’s likes and dislikes, and having Faith teach Donna some Chinese.

Once home, Donna’s anxiety about Faith’s lack of language continues.  Three weeks home, she complains that Faith is “not trying” to learn English, when clearly the child is doing the best she can.  Within the first month, the film shows Donna telling Faith on a number of occasions that she must tell her how she feels; when it is totally unrealistic to expect this degree of fluency from Faith at this early stage.  Donna uses far too many words when talking with Faith, with the hope that more words will mean more understanding.  She rejects the idea of hiring a translator because she fears Faith will “use it as a crutch”.

I think the film portrays accurately some of the typical bumps when incorporating an older child into a family.  Life is topsy-turvy and each family member is thrown off kilter.  Older brother Jared (was I the only one who found him to be totally charming—I just wanted to hug him every time he appeared on screen) worries about Faith; Dara, the three year old, struggles with negotiating a new sibling relationship; Jeff, the dad, wants everything to calm down; Donna is stressed with her new daughter’s “hissy fits”, sibling rivalry between her girls, Faith’s apparent lack of work ethic, and adjustment to life with four kids.  That is the reality of new adoptive parenting in all its ugly glory.  It’s messy and painful, and it gets better.

I am surprised by the harshness of the criticism of the family and especially of Donna.  Yes, they could have done a better job during this transition period.  Most of us could.  But most of us don’t have our less than stellar moments at one of the most stressful times of our lives captured on film, which allows us the luxury of amnesia.  I chuckled when Donna walks into the “apology trap”.  Oh come on, we’ve all been there even though we know the futility.  I remember well one face off.

On one side of the rink –Mom, 30 something, armed with more degrees than you can shake a stick at (including one in early childhood education), and mad as hell.
On the other side of the rink –Child, 3 years old, armed with a will made of iron, and mad as hell.

Me: Say you’re sorry.
Child: No!!!
Me: I mean it.  Say…you’re…sorry!!
Child (with a gleam in her eye because victory is near): “I’m sorry. (Said with a tone that is practically screaming “Screw you!!!!!!!!!!”)
Me (in utter frustration and disbelief that I walked into this trap, and totally unable to extricate myself, so I might as well complete the humiliation):  That doesn’t count; you have to say it like you mean it.
Thank goodness no one was filming.

Faith is a spunky child with a healthy mix of caring, sweetness, laziness, obstinacy, and silliness.  She was raised from age 4 to 8 in a loving foster home and was adopted by a lovingly imperfect family.  It is no surprise that 1 ½ years later, she is thriving.  I felt a mixture of feelings at the end.  I was happy and not surprised that this family traversed the early transitional bumps and came out on the other side with love and adjustment.  But I was sad that Faith no longer was able to communicate with her foster family.  Again, commentators seem to feel that the family should have prevented Faith from losing the Chinese language.  Ah, if only it were so easy to do.  The film implied that the Sadowskys enrolled Faith in Chinese school or in a martial arts class with a Cantonese speaking teacher.  They may have made other attempts to maintain her fluency in Chinese.  The line of how hard to push language is hard to find.  It simply isn’t that easy unless the child is totally motivated and very few 9 years have that motivation.

I felt the part of the film with psychologist and adult adoptee (adopted from Hong Kong) Dr. Amanda Baden could have been introduced better.  Were the Sadowskys consulting with her about a particular problem or just general advice?  I know it is the way the film was edited, but I have a particular problem when anyone talks about all adoptees experiencing something (loss, cultural confusion, gratitude, etc).  I know from interviewing many adult adoptees and from reading the available research that adoptees are not a homogenous group.  Blanket statements are useless.

I enjoyed “Wo Ai Ni (I Love You) Mommy”.  It wasn’t a feel good movie, but it was a realistic movie that made a very specific and fairly limited point.  I was left wondering what can be done to help Chinese foster families adopt and what can be done to help better prepare children, families, and the Chinese adoption authorities for older child adoptions.

To read another good review of “Wo Ai Ni (I Love You) Mommy”, go to China Adoption Talk. I love her blog in general and appreciated her take on this movie and the subsequent Q & A with the filmmaker.

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• What if she never outgrows this problem and is still acting this way when she’s 15, or 20, or 30, or…
• What if his learning disabilities keep him from passing the end of grade test?
• What if this new behavior is a sign of attachment issues?
• What if I’m ruining my family by adding just one more child?
• What if an expectant woman never picks us for adoption?
• What if our money runs out before infertility treatment is successful?

After playing a particularly strenuous round of the What If Game recently, I am here to tell you that the What Ifs are not our friend.  You simply can’t win.  You go round and round and end up no where.  I know this.  I know this during the day. I know this when I grab the What If ring in the middle of night and start the game.  But even though I know the futility, I still periodically can’t seem to help but play the game.

One technique that is sometimes effective for me is to get out of bed and write about whatever I’m obsessing about.  In the past when I tried to keep a journal, I would pour out my angst there.  Unfortunately, I’m not very good at keeping a journal and it was used only for these middle of the night worry sessions.  I worried that if anyone ever read the journal they would think me an obsessive worry wart—or neurotic.  I suspect the purpose of keeping a journal is to reflect the whole of your life, not just the obsessive moments of your life.  I hope no one ever reads my journals, but just in case, I’m vain enough to want a more even representation.  Now I write out my worries on paper and throw them away when I’m finished.  There is something cathartic about tearing my worries into many little pieces and throwing them away.

I always end my writings with a prayer for peace and clarity.  I also repeat a wise Russian saying:  The morning is always wiser.  And it always is.

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Christopher’s Mom

It’s a typical Saturday of running errands, and we decide to have lunch out. I slide into the booth after a visit to the ladies’ room.

“This place is loaded with babies,” I chirp my public service announcement. “They’re everywhere.”

“Oh yeah?” my husband, Greg, answers.

“Yup. You wanna know what’s really great?”

He bites. “What’s that?”

“It doesn’t make me sad!”

Greg smiles and takes the bottle out of our son Christopher’s mouth. “That’s good!” he states affirmatively.

After seven years of intensive treatment for unexplained infertility, and after seven years of ignoring the problem while dealing with a live-in mother-in-law with Alzheimer’s disease, I was sure infertility would leave me emotionally hobbled forever. The one thing I was sure I was meant to do, be a mom, I simply couldn’t.

I know. What about adoption? We thought about it. It can be scary and complicated. And worse, it lacks the illusion of control that infertility treatment offers. I was good, no, superb, at planning treatment cycles and figuring out the next step. I could show up at appointments and egg retrievals. I could regroup from a miscarriage. But how do you create a family through the grace of a stranger? I didn’t know. Even after 14 years of desperately wanting a baby, I didn’t think adoption was “for us”.

I was wrong on both counts.

I’m happy and feel whole for the first time in a very long time. I’m a glowing advocate of adoption.

I am a mom.

What led to Christopher’s adoption was actually a pregnancy. My own. At 45, I decided to make one final check in with a reproductive endocrinologist. To what end, I wasn’t completely sure, maybe for some kind of closure. She told me what I already knew. At my age, IVF with my own eggs was as good as trying on our own. In two words: Not very. Maybe 1 percent. Egg donation was an option, so was adoption, she told me. Greg suspected that no good could come from this appointment. It could only rip the scab off a wound that was struggling to heal. He was not pleased. We were past all of that, and it wasn’t something he was keen to revisit. We were too old. He wasn’t comfortable with egg donation or adoption. He was resolved about remaining childless. I just wasn’t.

This was a hard time for us. He didn’t want to hurt me. I understood his view, but had a terrible time accepting it. Two weeks after that doctor’s appointment, I had a funny feeling. I took a home pregnancy test. Two lines. Dark ones. Shockingly, this pregnancy looked more promising than any that came before it. Not so shockingly, at seven weeks I miscarried for the fifth time.

I was furious. This felt especially cruel because my last chance had been stolen and Greg wasn’t willing to try egg donation. I roiled at him until he cracked. In all the years we’d struggled with infertility, he never showed me his own grief directly. Now it was right in front of me. The loss was profound for him, too. We both truly wanted to be a family of more than two. After a week of spending my spare time sobbing uncontrollably, we decided to talk with the counselor who had seen me through my long years of infertility treatment.

Somehow in that conversation, the seed of adoption sprouted just a little. The idea of international adoption, in particular, resonated with Greg. In record time, we submitted paperwork to adopt from China. Several months later, we could see the wait times for a referral were slowing to a crawl. I was beside myself. Every time I got close to a baby, something went wrong. As older parents, we felt strongly about having two children, and the new time frame made our plans to adopt twice from China questionable. Greg suggested that we consider domestic adoption for our second child. And adopt our second child first, while waiting for China.

The story of Christopher’s adoption would take a book. It was more fraught than most, including his birth parents changing their minds at his birth. And changing their minds back, three weeks later. When things fell through the first time, several adoption professionals – and adoptive parents – told me, when you get “your” baby all the pain and aggravation goes away. It just goes away. I didn’t believe them.

Not until Christopher was placed in our arms.

For years, I had imagined what it would be like to hold my baby for the first time. When that moment arrived, I wasn’t in a hospital or birthing center. I was standing in a small office surrounded by file cabinets and some of the wonderful people who worked on Christopher’s placement. And it was better than anything I could have pictures. I felt an overwhelming sense of peace. This was our baby. My heart was restored. I was normal, I was who I was meant to be. I was now a mom. As I gazed at Christopher, asleep in my arms, his tiny fists thrown over his head, I realized what everyone had told me was true—the pain and anguish lifted.

I’ve tried hard to figure out what held us – me – back for so long. Surely, adoption is not an easy thing to do. There is paperwork and intrusion and hoops to jump through. You feel like you have to “qualify” for what is a simple biological certainty for others. But for me, I think it was something that I can put words to only now: Adoption requires that you embrace loss. The birth parents’ loss, your child’s loss, and your own. I think that was the biggest hurdle for me – truly acknowledging that I would never give birth.

I was a little taken aback at the ferocious love we feel for this child. How I couldn’t love him one iota more if he came from my body. That I wouldn’t want him to have come from my body because he wouldn’t be him. I didn’t expect to feel fully prepared to help him deal with whatever losses he may feel as he grows up, but I’m ready. I did expect to question myself. Because I didn’t carry him or bring him into the world, could I truly be his mother? With each passing day, I realize just how much we belong to each other. I am his mother. I cannot imagine being anyone else’s mother. We can’t imagine being anyone else’s parents.

I’m sure that at times the announcement of a pregnancy or birth will stir the well-healed scars. But I’ve survived infertility. And I can’t believe I’m saying this, but actually thrived as a result. Because it made me Christopher’s mom.

Postscript: Nancy wrote to say that she and her husband are now the proud parents of “THE three most incredible children in the world via newborn domestic transracial adoption (Christopher (4), Carys (2 ½), and Caitlyn (1 ½)).  I hope our story touches others in a way that can help them move forward. I can honestly say that every single day I feel immense gratitude for our children. Yes, even those days when I’m thinking “I went to college, I have a job, I can drive a car for Pete’s sake, why can I not get these people to cooperate with me!!??”

In some small way I may always carry a kernel of grief because my body wouldn’t do what it was “supposed to” but I don’t have to grieve the life I always wanted because I have that life. How incredible.”

By the way, Nancy was 46, 47 and 48 at the time of her three adoptions.

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A photolist is adoptionese for a collection of pictures, usually posted on the Internet, of children supposedly available for adoption.  Photolists are used domestically for kids in foster care, as well as for international adoption.  Generally, limited information on the child is provided, and an agency is listed for you to contact for more information.

In my opinion, absolutely nothing is wrong with finding a picture and information about a child, falling in love, and then adopting.  So long as it is allowed by the country of birth (and not all do), it makes sense in many ways.  After all, the child is the most important piece to this whole adoption business.  Right

The reason photolists are used is because they work.  They follow the basic principle of advertising– pictures sell; or to put it more poetically, “A picture is worth a thousand words”.  When it is used to find homes for waiting children (older, sibling groups, medical issues), the hope is that potential parents will see the child first and the special need second.

But photolistings have a well deserved bad reputation.  They are effective because potential parents fall in love, but they are potentially dangerous for the same reason.  After seeing the picture of a child, prospective parents start thinking of him as their child.  All thoughts of researching the agency or getting more information on the child are replaced by thoughts of getting/rescuing this child as soon as possible.  A sense of urgency is created.  “My child is _______(waiting, getting older without us, needs me).”  These thoughts can wipe out all common sense or at least all business sense, and people who are eager to become parents are particularly vulnerable.

Photolistings have been used by less than scrupulous adoption agencies to lure parents into the agency.  Once in the door and money has changed hands, that particular child may not be available either because she was never available for adoption or because she was offered to numerous parents at the same time and other parents were ready to adopt sooner than you.  Once you are onboard, another child may be offered as a substitute.  This may be fine with you, but either way, the agency used the picture of the first child to get you in the door and paying money.

Be extremely cautious of an agency that offers to “hold” a child for you unless you have completed your home study and have all your paperwork ready.  If you think about it, it’s not fair to the child to wait for you to get ready, when he could be adopted sooner by another family.  If you feel hurried or pushed to act quickly, run the other way.  Perhaps the biggest warning sign of all is if the agency is not requiring you to become educated about potential issues with adopting an older child or a child with special needs.

If you decide to throw caution to the wind, at the very least, don’t check your brain at the door (or more accurately “at the homepage”).

• Make a commitment to hold off emotionally attaching to the child before you have thoroughly investigated the agency.  This is much easier said than done.
• Be very cautious about when money is due and realize that getting a complete or even partial refund if things go south may be impossible.
• Keep in mind the very real possibility that the child you fell in love with will not be the child that is ultimately available for you to adopt.
• Get all the medical information that is available to thoroughly assess the child, and ask for more if needed.  Have this medical information reviewed by a doctor and therapist.

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This is our second visit to Korea in three years, so it felt very different for DD#1 and DD#2 and for me. First, it is only the girls and me, rather than the whole family.  Second, we have been here before, so the girls knew what they wanted to do and what they didn’t want to do. Turns out, they did not particularly want to go back to the orphanage, but absolutely did want  to go to a “Cat Cafe”.  This is especially true of DD2, who said in no uncertain terms “Babies are OK, but kittens are much better.”  I want credit on the parental perfection  checklist, that I did not try to dissuade her.  (For the record, I don’t consider asking her twice if she was “sure”, and mentioning that we could do both kittens and babies, or even dropping hints as to how cute babies areas  actual attempts at dissuasion.)

Despite my lack of contact with babies, Korea was wonderful.  My eldest daughter is living there and teaching English this year, so we got the ” insiders tour” to Korea.  This means that we had fish eat the callouses off our feet, we made silly and potentially embarrassing pictures in a photo booth, we ate Italian food (DD#1 was craving something other than Korean food), we sang Karaoke, and we did little in the way of typical tourist sightseeing.

We did go on the SOS DMZ Tour. I thought it would be eerie, given the current tensions between North and South Korea, but it was surprisingly low key. In fact, the news in the US before we left was much more excited about the situation between North Korea and  South Korea and the US.  I was a little nervous before we left about what to expect, but over here, everyone seems totally nonplus.

We are off to China tomorrow.

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As our children age, they outgrow their Life Books or at least the sitting on our lap while we read it to them part.  They don’t openly announce their adoption status to the world.  They become busy with growing and mastering and all the other parts of being a kid, and then a tween, and then a teen.  It’s easy to believe that our job is done.  We’ve told them, they’ve accepted it, now let’s move on.

We know, however, from talking with teens and adult adoptees, that kids don’t stop thinking about being adopted when they outgrow their footy pajamas.  In particular, they wonder about their birth parents: who they are, what they liked to do, what they looked like, why they didn’t parent them.  Some kids think about this a lot, some think about it a little, but from what I can tell from talking to teens and adults, most think about it some.

There are some kids who will readily talk and ask these questions to their parents and birth parents, if they are in an open adoption.  But lots of kids, my own included, might think and wonder, but never bring the subject up.  And even the most curious and talkative child will steer clear of this conversation if they sense that it makes their parents uncomfortable.  It is way too easy for parents to assume that if it isn’t spoken, it isn’t thought. If the kids don’t ask, then we don’t need to tell.  This is mighty convenient since we just as soon not talk about it anyway.  If we’re not careful, this can become a self perpetuating cycle.  Our discomfort, keeps them silent, and their silence justifies our own.

So what’s a parent to do?  First of all, we need to accept that we are 100% our kid’s parent.  We will be there for them, and they for us, for the rest of our life.  Their curiosity and desire to know more about their birth parents has nothing to do with us and doesn’t threaten our relationship.  Part of “being there for them” is being their go-to source of information on all the Big Four Topics of Life (BTLs): sex, drugs, rock and roll, and adoption.  (OK, it’s really the Big Three since it’s only in your dreams that they are going to view you as an expert on music.  By the age of thirteen, fourteen at the latest, they are going to think that your musical taste and computer literacy are both hopelessly out of date, but you still want them to come to you with their questions about the other three.)

Kids have a tendency to not voice their questions about the BTLs leaving the ball in the parental court to still provide information even when not asked.  If you’re lucky, your little darling will respond like a sponge when you open the conversation about adoption.  I’ve never had that experience, but I have dreamed about what it might be like.  My experience involves a lot of me throwing out a conversation starter and watching it drop like a dead weight.  Still, I look for opportunities to start the conversation because I want my kids to know that I am available when and if they want to talk.  I have to consciously look for times that I can bring up birth parents, genetic traits, and adoption. I toss the opening out there, and then respect their decision to either run with it or let it drop.

Oh, and as long as we’re talking about BTLs, we need to talk about the fourth BTL–race.  Especially if we are raising a child of a different race, we have to talk about race and prejudice and navigating our white society as a minority.  We have to be open to listening to their experiences without trying to minimize or explain.

The other thing I can do as a parent is to realize that I can’t be their only go-to resource.  They need to have the opportunity to talk with other adopted people—kids their own age and adults if possible.  Sometimes it’s simply easier to open up in a group of people who are living your experience.  As much as I want to be “enough” for my child, I’m probably not.

The truth is that sometimes these conversations make me uncomfortable.  So does talking about sex and drinking and drugs, but I still do it because that’s part of my job as a mom.  Unlike footy pajamas, kids don’t outgrow the need to talk, or know that they can talk, about the BTLs.

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I think it’s important to view what is currently happening to the children of Haiti against the backdrop of their lives pre-quake.  Of course, the majority of Haitian kids were being raised by their families, just the same as in the rest of the world.  However, a disproportionate number of Haitian children were living outside of their families.  Pre-earthquake Haiti had 50,000 children in registered orphanages and another 50,000 in unregistered orphanages.  UNICEF estimates that prior to the earthquake, one out of every 10 Haitian child (some 400,000 kids) lived outside of their family.

Many of these children were not legally free for domestic or international adoption.  Despite the media attention, international adoptions played a very minor role in the Haitian child welfare system.  In 2009, only 330 Haitian children were adopted by American, and 301 were adopted in 2008.  Other countries also adopt from Haiti, but in total, no more than about 1,500 are adopted abroad each year.

Child trafficking for sexual and domestic slavery played a much bigger role in the lives of parentless kids in Haiti pre-earthquake.  An estimated 2,000 children per year are sold for domestic service primarily to wealthy families in Haiti and the Dominican Republic.  This number is a guesstimate and is likely higher.  Aid groups estimate about 300,000 Haitian kids under that age of 18 are currently working as domestic servants.  In addition, an untold number of Haitian children are sold into prostitution.  In fairness, many families that “sold” or sent their children to work as domestic help would disagree with characterizing this act as child trafficking or selling into domestic slavery, but the future for these children was dismal by most standards.  By all accounts, Haiti also had a long standing acceptance of placing children in institutional care as a temporary solution to poverty, divorce, or just general family dysfunction.  (See my previous post on this subject.)

I haven’t been able to find reliable estimates on how many children were orphaned in the quake through the death of their parents or how many families were left unable to care for their children because of earthquake induced poverty, loss of a family residence, or just general overwhelming stress brought on by the earthquake. Most experts believe the number will be very large, but almost impossible to calculate right now.  Dixie Bickel told of an orphanage in southern Haiti that had 150 children pre-quake and now is home to 700.  I am not hearing of a huge increase of children in the orphanages I have spoken with, but that may be because they are limited in space or are only accepting children that have relinquishment paperwork, which rules out most kids that were truly orphaned in the earthquake.  I can’t get a good answer about what is happening to these earthquake orphans.  Many have been taken in by extended family or neighbors, some are living in UNICEF and other NGO tents, orphanages have absorbed some, and sadly, experts acknowledge, many are living in the streets.

One of UNICEF’s missions in Haiti is to register the children orphaned in the earthquake. According to our guests, approximately 2,500 children have been registered so far.  Registration is painstakingly slow because before a child is classified as an earthquake orphan, UNICEF is trying to find any extended family members willing to raise the child.  Save the Children told Dixie that this process could take 4 to 5 years.   Due to the limited ability of children, especially young children, to remember details over time, there is a relatively small window to find extended family.  Young children will not remember for long the names of their parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, much less the name of their school, church, teachers, or neighbors.

Prior to the earthquake Haitian adoptions were long and complicated.  The Haitian adoption law, written in 1974, requires adoptive parents to be married for 10 years and childless, or be a single woman and childless.   Strict enforcement of this law has varied over the years.  Prior to the quake, it was possible to get a Presidential Waiver of the 10 year marriage or childless status.  This waiver process added time, sometime lots of time, to the process.  For families that met the strict parental requirements, it was not unusual for a Haitian adoption to take 2 – 2 ½ years prior to the quake.  For families that did not meet the strict requirements it took even longer.

A new adoption law was proposed three years ago that would lessen the parental marriage, age, and childless requirements.  This bill is still pending.  It may come up for a vote this Fall, but most experts I’ve spoken with think this is unlikely.  It’s also important to note that many adoption proponents are not sure that this new law will improve adoptions.  Although more potential families will be eligible, it also centralizes the adoption process.  Right now, adoption agencies work directly with the orphanage in Haiti to place children. Under the proposed law, agencies would be required to work through the Institut du Bien Etre Sociale et de Recherches (IBESR), the Haitian international adoption authority.  In theory, this centralized adoption system is an improvement and lessens the likelihood for corruption, but in practice, many fear that it would be a nightmare in Haiti.  The IBESR has responsibility for all child welfare in Haiti. Processing international adoptions is only a very small part of what they do.  In the past they have been notoriously slow and disorganized; the increased work and diminished staff caused by the earthquake is not likely to improve their speed or efficiency.

There are two general groups of children that could be eligible for international adoption.  Most people think of the children that were orphaned by the earthquake.  Clearly there will be many children who lost both parents and have no living family members able to care for them.  As much as we might want to rush in and rescue these children, we need to give the child welfare NGOs and the Haitian government more time to find family and to set up a procedure for determining orphan status.  I don’t agree with Save the Children that 4-5 years is reasonable, but clearly we need more than 6 months.

However, there is another group of children that should be considered for adoption.  Prior to the earthquake, many many children were eligible for adoption and living in orphanages.   Of course, not all children in institutionalized care both before and after the quake are available for adoption. Many orphanages take in children on a temporary basis to allow parents to find work, food, and a place to live.  Every effort should be made to help families stay together, and a temporary respite in the storm can be just what is needed.  However, some of these children had already been declared available for adoption prior to the quake.

The IBESR has announced that they are now accepting adoption paperwork from prospective adoptive parents; however, no one that I’ve spoken with has seen any movement on this paperwork.  Many governmental offices were destroyed in the quake and many civil servants lost their lives.  For adoptive parents that meet the letter of the 1974 adoption law, I anticipate that the adoption process will proceed slower than pre-earthquake, which means that it will likely take over 2 ½ years—maybe much longer.  All bets are off on what will happen to families that have existing children or have not been married 10 years.  No one knows when or if the Office of the President will start issuing waivers for these adoptive parents.  Arguably, both the IBSER and the Office of the President have bigger and more immediate issues to address.

I’m sorry I couldn’t write a more optimistic report on the status of Haitian adoptions.  I struggle with trying to decide what is best.  I believe that all children deserve a family.  I also believe that Haiti desperately needs to implement a better overall child welfare system, including greater services for family preservation.  Giving up your children should be the last resort for poor parents or dysfunctional parents.  Does international adoption draw necessary money and attention away from these efforts?  Not necessarily, but in Haiti, maybe.  But what happens to the children who need families now?

For more information on Adopting from Haiti, keep checking our Haitian Adoption Country Chart.

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Although I’m writing this about adoption, I’ve seen this situation repeat itself with donor egg and surrogacy.   One partner is ready to move up the treatment ladder sooner than the other.  Heck, let’s be honest, we all know couples who face this issue when they are thinking about becoming parents without the complications of infertility or adoption.  Maybe that is why there are so many accidental pregnancies with married couples in this day of effective birth control.  Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you look at it, it is impossible to accidentally adopt so a spouse’s reluctance must be fully considered.

Easy answers elude me when one spouse wants to adopt and the other does not.  My hubby and I had always planned on adopting, but we hadn’t necessarily planned on having four children.  After our third child was born I still felt a very strong pull to adopt.   Peter did not.  His resistance had nothing to do with adoption and everything to do with being the father of four.  He wondered whether he had the time for another child, whether his work would suffer with more kids, or whether his guilt would increase over the time he devoted to work.  Would this child have needs that demanded even more time and money?  Wasn’t he too old to have another child?  The whole idea of adopting seemed risky and he didn’t feel the need to take the risk.  I did.

I don’t have any magic answers.  What worked for us, may not work for you.  We kept the lines of communication open; talking about it more than he wanted, but less than I wanted.  I asked his permission to share my research with him.  I tried to understand his concerns more than I tried to convince him.  After about a year, Peter became more comfortable with the time and financial commitment.  He loved me enough and valued my happiness enough to take the risk.  We compromised on what special needs or disabilities we were willing to consider.  And we slowly moved forward.  For what it’s worth, our daughter has been the apple of his eye from the moment he first held her, and he says he has never regretted his decision for one minute.

The first step should be trying to understand why your partner is hesitant to adopt.  Don’t assume you know.  He or she could be thinking any of the following:

• Can I love a child that is not biologically related?
• Can we afford to adopt?
• Do I want to be a parent at all, especially if it’s not going to happen the old fashioned way?
• Am I ready to stop infertility treatments and give up all hope of having a birth child?
• Will I feel like a failure if I can’t biologically have a child?
• Am I too old to become a parent?
• Do I have the time or do I want to devote the time to being a parent?
• How will my parents or older children react?
• What type of medical or emotional problems may this child have?
• We already have birth children, why complicate things?

You’ve reached an impasse.  You want to adopt but your partner doesn’t.  What do you do?  Keep talking.  Don’t assume that if it isn’t said, it isn’t felt.  If the reluctant partner feels that this is all you talk about, agree to a set time each week to talk about this subject.  Talk about what each of your hopes and dreams are from parenting in general.  When he is speaking, really listen rather than planning your rebuttal.  Seek to understand more than convince.

As strange as this may seem, share your own fears about adopting.  You know you have them.  The relationship dynamics of some couples is to balance each other out.  Yin and yang are great for philosophical discussions, but lousy for decision making if one partner is stuck at yin while the other is clinging to yang for dear life.

Let him know that you want to start getting educated on adoption and ask his permission to share the information with him as you go along.  Don’t expect him to be as enthusiastic as you.

Join an online adoption support group for people considering adoption.  Encourage your partner to participate as well.  Talking with others who have similar concerns can be helpful.  Introduce a thread on reluctant spouses.  You’ll be surprised at how many people have had this experience.

Take a break from infertility treatments for a set period of time, with the agreement that you can resume if you still want to once the break is over.  Spend time enjoying your life as a couple.  Remember why you married each other in the first place.

Attend an “in person” support group for adoptive families or an informational meeting at an adoption agency, with the promise that this does not mean a commitment to adopt.  Spending time with families formed by adoption is amazingly helpful to normalize the process and to provide an opportunity to ask questions.  If your spouse feels it is too soon to do this, agree to revisit this option at a set time in the future.

If you are feeling particularly stuck, visit a therapist to help with communication, and if applicable, choose one that understands infertility issues.  It’s not always easy to find a counselor with this expertise, but we’ve provided some suggestions on our How to Find a Therapist page.

As hard as it may be, give your partner time.  Each of us has a different speed and style for processing grief and making decisions.  If you are totally committed to him or her regardless of whether you ever become parents, say so.  If not, talk with a therapist before you issue an ultimatum.

Ultimately, you should not try to force (or coerce or guilt) your spouse into something as major as becoming a parent.  It likely won’t be effective since during the home study the social worker will delve into each of your reasons for wanting to adopt.  And though it can be faked during the interview with the social worker, every child deserves to be truly wanted by both parents.

Check out our video on The Reluctant Spouse-What to do When Only One Wants to Adopt

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We did a recent show on Miscarriage/Recurrent Pregnancy Loss and one of the questions we received was whether to take aspirin to prevent miscarriage.  The attitude of the questioner was that basically nothing else was working, so what do I have to lose.  Some recent research addressed this question.  One well designed study in The Netherlands followed 364 women with unexplained recurrent miscarriage.  This was a randomized, placebo-controlled trail, which is the gold standard for research.  The study lasted four years.  Some women were given low dose aspirin, some women were given low dose aspirin combined with low molecular weight heparin, and some women were given a placebo.  The doctors, patients, and nurses did not know which medications the women received.  The researchers found that neither aspirin, nor aspirin combined with low molecular weight heparin, improved live birth rate more than the placebo.

However, another study found that for certain women with recurrent miscarriages, low dose aspirin with low molecular weight heparin did improve pregnancy outcomes.  This study followed 156 women in India, 75 with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and 81 without PCOS.  All the woman in the study received intravaginal micronized progesterone twice daily.  The women with insulin resistant PCOS took metformin throughout their pregnancies.  The researchers found that the only group that benefited from the low dose aspirin and low molecular weight heparin were women with very high levels of homocysteine in their blood (classified as hyperhomocysteinemia).  Hyperhomocysteinemia was more prevalent in woman with PCOS.

One of my favorite sessions that I attended at the European Infertility Medicine Conference (ESHRE) answered the question of how long should you wait after a pregnancy loss before trying again.  To me, this is science at its best—answering a real life question faced by millions.  Couples are often counseled to wait 6 to 12 months before trying to conceive again after a miscarriage.  Scottish researchers looked back at 30, 937 women between 1981 and 2000 that conceived after a miscarriage.  They found that woman who conceived less than 6 months after a miscarriage were less likely to have another miscarriage, less likely to have an ectopic pregnancy, less likely to have a pre-term delivery, less likely to deliver by caesarean, and less likely to have a baby with low birth rate. The researchers concluded that there were no advantages to waiting to conceive after a miscarriage.

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• 3.65 times more likely to develop gestational diabetes
• 2 times more likely to develop preeclampsia
• 2.55 times more likely to deliver pre week 32
• 1.69 times more likely to deliver via cesarean section

The researcher speculated that these outcomes will be worse in countries without nationalized free health care.  It is unclear at this point whether these outcomes are the result of the PCOS or the weight.  Research is ongoing to answer these questions.  We plan on interviewing the research team for the Creating a Family show when this research in published

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