“The title of this article made me think I had hope – that adoptive parents are starting to listen to adult adoptees and using our experiences to make it better for their children. But it’s just turned into another article where they are pointing fingers and justifying that there is nothing wrong with the institution,..” Boy Mary Ann, I don’t know what to say since I had intended this post to say the exact opposite. I realize I must not have accomplished that goal, at least for you, if you came away thinking that my point, or that Not-So-Angry’s point, was that there is nothing wrong with the institution of adoption. Our point, or at least one of our points, is that the love of a parent can not erase the pain caused by adoption and it’s time to stop pointing fingers.

“They [adoptees] feel differently at different times of their lives. The person who is perfectly fine with their situation today might be the ‘angry adoptee’ of tomorrow. ” Well said and I agree fully! No human is static, or at least they shouldn’t be. As we grow, we view things differently. We should all hope to evolve and our understanding and feelings should change throughout life.

“I just wish that adoptive parents could be more educated before they get involved to get them to stop thinking about themselves and put the child first.” Yep, and that’s what we’re [Creating a Family] is trying to do. Education is key and discussions like this are vital to that education. Thanks so much for being a part of it and come back often.

I also very much agree that it is entirely possible to be angry and bitter at things about the institution of adoption, while at the same time not angry or bitter towards your parents. I can only imagine the frustration of feeling invisible in an institution where in essence you are at the center. I think in some ways it’s a paternal attitude that begins because decisions are being made about you because you are a child and then somehow continues when you are an adult. That has got to be annoying and infuriating. Don’t you think that is changing some? Do you think adoptees are still invisible? I had hoped we had come a lot further on that issue. It seems there are adopted persons speaking frequently at adoption conferences? We certainly are trying here at Creating a Family to be a forum for all voices to be heard.

And yeah, I’d say your parents did a darn good job.

This is a beautiful statement, and something I wish so many more adoptive parents would try to understand.

You are looking for the reassurance that love is enough in adoption.

While I wouldn’t say adoption in itself equals a life of misery for any child, in a permanent state of forever, I do wonder if knowing that a child who has been given a ton of love and “the world” (metamorphically speaking) and whom still ends up not liking adoption, would be considered “enough.”

That is to say, if the child dearly loves his/her parents, and the parents love that child to the end of the earth, yet all this love in the world is not enough to prevent the hurt caused by adoption, then is it still worth it?

If you love your child more than life itself, and your child loves you just as much, yet your child does not like that the adoption had to happen in order for you to have become the parent… then would you still do it, knowing this?

Everyone knows a million adoptees who are happy and love adoption just like everyone knows someone from another diverse group and everything that person thinks and feels about their experience in society, right? So on and so forth (that borders ventriloquism, doesn’t it?). But what does that mean? We all cancel each other out? That only the “bad ones” take to the internet? That it’s possible for someone who isn’t adopted to set rules and weed out the “irrelevant” adoptee opinions if they know enough adoptees?

The best way to bridge the disconnect is not to ignore the anger. It is not to explain away the “bitterness.” It’s not to expect adoptees to alter their narratives to appease more people. And it’s not to place adoptees in boxes where some are more worthwhile to listen to than others. What irritates adoptees is simple and it’s what irritates any other person: being ignored, being invisible, being excluded, being stereotyped, being insulted, and witnessing, on ad after ad, law after law, website after website, blog after blog (no, I am not saying your website/blog is this way) the same racism, adoptism, adultism, sexism, ableism, and classism in an adoption that tells us we don’t matter any more because it’s all “so different now.”

Expecting my parents to make my life so wonderful that I won’t be “embittered” by the prejudices in, lack of progress of, and my own invisibility within the very institution that altered my destiny on this earth is a pretty tall order to fill. I think the fact that injustice does bother me is quite a testimony to the fact that they did their job pretty darn well.

In my case, my adoptive mother accidentally found out the name of my mother so she cut out her wedding announcement so I’d know what she looked like. Through that piece of paper I was able to find her when I was 24 years old. One of the happiest days of my life was when my two mothers were able to meet each other. I love my adoptive family, I’ve grown to love my birth family but 34 years later, I have to admit I don’t fit in either. It’s no one’s fault – just a fact of adoption. Some will tell you they don’t feel that way but my experience is that adoptees are evolving. They feel differently at different times of their lives. The person who is perfectly fine with their situation today might be the ‘angry adoptee’ of tomorrow.

I’ve realized I HATE adoption – at least what adoption has become. I never realized how selfish the entire process is for most families until I actually sat down and looked at it.

The title of this article made me think I had hope – that adoptive parents are starting to listen to adult adoptees and using our experiences to make it better for their children. But it’s just turned into another article where they are pointing fingers and justifying that there is nothing wrong with the institution, just with the angry adoptees who must not have gotten the great parents we are.

Adoption was not created to fulfill your joy. It was supposed to be child based. To help child in need. Not a child to be bought and sold to the highest bidder.

I just wish that adoptive parents could be more educated before they get involved to get them to stop thinking about themselves and put the child first. Be our advocate. Help us maintain who we are – don’t hide it.

I used to think it was wonderful when someone showed me their newly adopted baby. Now I look at them and think “How sad.”

I, because I am not adopted, will never totally ‘get’ all of the issues of loss and person-hood that can affect adopted children, but I can listen, and I can respect, not only what they feel, but their right to feel that way. And if, as the adoptive person that assisted with this post states, those feelings have nothing to do with how they feel about their adoptive parents, or how ‘good’ we are as parents, then I don’t see where we are at cross-purposes.

However, unless someone has gone through infertility and had their body fail them in the most basic way, neither can they ‘get’ the emotions of loss and betrayal that come with it, and I believe that we should be accorded the same rights and respects in respect to our feelings.